Grief is a Thief

Grief is a thief because it steals our comfort, our joy, and our often-complacent life before loss.

Grief is the common experience we have when we lose something that was precious to us. It’s most often a beloved person in our lives, but it can also be a relationship, a job, a house, a country, our youth, our sanity, our mind, our innocence…and the list goes on. When we grieve, it’s because we loved someone/something enough to feel dreadful when we lose them (it).

When we are grieving, what do we need most? According to grief expert and teacher, David Kessler, there are six experiences we all need in order to find an equilibrium again.

1.     To have our pain recognized – Grief can be brutal. It is immensely comforting to have someone with us who can look into our eyes, witness our pain, and listen to us talk about our loss. We feel that grief is normal and natural, nothing is broken, nothing needs fixing because we are seen in our suffering.

2.     To express our feelings – Once we can identify our feelings, we do best when we can express them. No two grievers feel the same way, but many of the same feelings come up – sadness, disappointment, anger, guilt, regret, and more. Finding someone to guide us through the feeling morass can be particularly healing.

3.     To release the burden of guilt – Guilt is a huge part of grief after we lose someone or something we love. In trying to make sense of our loss, we often blame ourselves. It’s easier to feel guilty than helpless. “If only we’d done something differently, my loved one would still be with me”.

4.     To be free of old wounds – Often grief brings up past losses and wounds from childhood. It’s helpful to have someone to talk to who can help us sort through these old wounds so they can be processed. The grieving process, while painful, often gives us the chance to heal pain from our past.

5.     To integrate the pain and the love – The idea of acceptance takes time. Sometimes, it takes a long time. We grieve because we loved. That recognition helps us turn to cherished memories and find comfort at times instead of sadness.

6.     To find meaning in life after loss – Moving forward after loss is often very difficult, but it does not require giving up our beloved. They live in our memories forever. Moving forward means we change and become something different from who we were before the loss.

Grief can initiate changes we never wanted, but now can’t avoid.

“Grief is the ultimate alchemist. It changes, grows, transforms itself into various shapes. It moves into different parts of us. It shifts, comforts, soothe, illuminates, and sometimes intrudes.”

(Writes Patti Davis in “The Long Goodbye”, her tribute to her father Ronald Reagan, who died of Alzheimer’s disease in 2004).

People going through grief need to talk about their experiences, but not to just anyone. Family members and friends can easily say the “wrong thing” and create more isolation for the grieving person. Your grief can scare them. So, it helps to talk to a person trained in grief coaching. I am recently certified as a Grief Educator through David Kessler’s training program (spring 2024). Please reach out if you need support.